In search of a notebook to use to jot down notes and reflections for my counselling sessions, I came across an old diary this week. I say an old diary, it only has six entries in over a time span of less than two months, what must have been more than five years ago. I know I’m not the only one who has done that once.. or twice…
But what I wrote moved me in its expression of fears I very much still have today. I thought I’d share them because I’m pretty sure – in fact I know – other people will have them too and I want those people to know those fears are completely valid. All these passages below are things I genuinely wrote. Be kind.
I’m scared of being in pain
“… lying on my side, searching my body with my mind to find something that didn’t hurt, and planning my next movement so that it would take the least number of muscles… The idea that I have to go through that again feels… huge. Overpowering. All-encompassing. Insurmountable. Overwhelming. Scary. It feels lonely too because I can’t find the words for the pain, no-one can share it, and apparently no-one will be able to make it go away… Thinking about the pain, the memory of it alone makes me tearful… I do really fear pain, and the idea of having to live with pain.”
I fear loosing my support system
“… what would happen if [my husband] and I broke up or my parents couldn’t have me at home? [The] panic sets in and my mind fills with thoughts of my loved ones and my support networks not being there anymore, and I fear being alone, facing not just the pain, but the need to manage ‘life’… Having been in a flat along and having a full-time job while being ill just amplifies the feelings of fear because they’re based on memories… I [really] fear the loss of my support networks, being left to cope on my own, without practical or emotional help. I fear finding myself struggling financially, battling for benefits and/or being forced to work while ill. I’ve no reason to think my support will disappear, but it’s a very real fear nonetheless”
I’m scared I’m not me anymore
“I find the changes to my personality – my likes and dislikes, my emotional reactions to things – really disconcerting. I’m sad that I don’t enjoy photography or cooking anymore. It’s not that I don’t like it, but I don’t find the peace or the solace or the reward in those things anymore… These changes feel alien. I’ve lost parts of who I am… I’ve feared that I’ve lose some fundamental part of myself – the bit that I can’t put a finger on that makes me, me…”
I fear that I have or will become comfortable with expecting less
“I’ve feared that I’ll never amount to much career-wise. I’d never had a vision of a specific career path but I’d assumed that I could be successful if I continued along the trajectory I’d been on. That doesn’t matter bother me as much anymore because I’d be content to have a job that was flexible [around my health]…”
Needless to say, there are so many more fears and worries at play when you live with chronic illness – if only these were all of them! But if you’re reading this post and you recognise anything, know that you are most definitely not alone. These fears are common and abiding.
Writing these down has made me reflect on my privilege too – the fear of loosing a support network can only exist because there is a support network to loose. And I think turning my fears into positives would make my therapist proud!
